Who are we?

A brief guide to our great players....and the rest

This page in an attempt to make up for the banal information that most programmes give about visiting players - you know the kind of thing, 'Solid defender, born Kirkcaldy 12/9/61, signed in the close season from Raith Rovers in an exchange deal involving a greyhound and some premium bonds. Made 6 appearances this season, breaking 2 ankles and 1 arm'.

The one exception I've seen recently was the programme at Bristol City, where someone had actually made the effort to find out about our players - pity nobody at our club found out about theirs, we lost 3-0. For example, it described Stevie Brown as 'a fiery character, he tends to be a bit of a marked man as far as referees are concerned'. You can say that again.

The squad. Click names or scroll down for more details:

In the goal Brian Parkin, John Cheesewright

At the back Jason Cousins, Mickey Bell, Matt Crossley, Terry Evans, Paul McCarthy, Jason Kavanagh, Michael Forsyth

In the middle Dave Carroll, Keith Ryan, Steve Brown, Dave Farrell, Gary Patterson, Matt Lawrence, Brian McGorry, John Cornforth, Michael Simpson

Up the front Steve McGavin Meguel Desouza, John Williams, Neil Davis, Damien Markman, Anthony Clark

In the goal

Brian Parkin A Feargal Sharkey lookalike, bought from Bristol Rovers and rumoured to enjoy a nice glass of wine. Before he came he was remembered for giving Dave Carroll a goal in the Cup, which was described as 'an absolute pig if you're a Rovers fan' by the distraught commentator. He's a good shot-stopper, but prone to flapping in the air and sometimes on the ground. Made a fine catch at Ashton Gate, seemingly unaware that he was yards outside his area, was promptly sent off to the great delight of the home fans and hasn't been seen since. A fat steward remarked to us on the way out that ''e used to be a good keeper when he were at Gas, but since they brought in that backpass law 'e's bin a bloody clown'. list top

John Cheesewright took over the No. 1 shirt from Parkin. He also has his nightmare moments, like when he punched the ball into the net at Bristol Rovers (why do our keepers always have mares at Bristol?). However his presence in the goal has reassured the Wycombe faithful, because with his fat arse he looks a bit like our old favourite Paul Hyde. Once had a spell with the lovely Colchester, where we made all kinds of unkind references to his name, now we all sing 'Cheesy Wright Wright Wright'.

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At the back

Jason Cousins used to play for Brentford, but we forgive him because he's done a wonderful job at right-back for us since conference days, and he's often the one to save us when things are going bobbins at the back. He has scored some great goals for us, including the one when the ball got stuck in the top of the net that they used to show at the start of Endsleigh Extra. In the past he was sometimes too committed, and on occasions specatators could see his exuberant challenges coming about 30 seconds before they actually happened. The worst was a stunningly over-the-top two-footed flying foul on a Doncaster player, which got him sent off and banned from the ground. Since then he's calmed down a lot, and now he hardly even gets booked.

Jase is also a bit of a pin-up, with his boyish grin and Italian waiter looks. It's no coincidence that he was sponsored by a girls' school, and once appeared on The Big Breakfast parading around in his keks carrying a sign saying 'fantastically good-looking footballer'. But the oddest thing has to be the way he runs - with his little legs beating away frantically and his elbows pumping as he struggles to keep up with an alcoholic 35-year old striker, he looks the dead spit of one of those players from the Sega version of that Fifa '96 game. list top

Mickey Bell or 'Belly' is a dashing Geordie left-winger who came to us from Northampton, got converted to left-back and now operates as a wing-back in our new 5-3-2 system. He gets some good crosses in, but also likes to cut inside and have a crack - which he did to great effect when he scored a wonderful winner against Millwall. He sports the 'wedge' haircut that appeared to be epidemic at Wycombe for a while, is generally a nice bloke and we like him. His only misdemeanour was getting sent off for decking a Blackpool player, but the bloke was asking for it. list top

Matt Crossley or 'Sir Matt', has been an excellent central defender since he came to us in conference days from some bunch of turnip-heavers in Hampshire. He's hardly the paciest of players, but his composure under pressure has saved us on many occasions. He was left out by the previous manager, but has since returned and looks as good as ever. Matthew is very interested in textiles, and during matches can often be found studying opponent's shirts at close range - which does occasionally lead to misunderstandings. list top

Terry Evans is a very big bloke. If you're thinking of challenging him in the air, don't bother unless your name's Kevin Francis or you have a helicopter. Another Brentford old boy, he has been a colossus at the back (and occasional emergency striker) for a while now. Nearly every time we get a corner, up goes the chant of 'Ooh Terry Evans' just in case the opposing defence hasn't worked out who it's going to be aimed at. Terry can head the ball a long way, likes to wear unbelievably tight shorts that appear to have been nicked off the match mascot, and is fond of loud rock music. list top

Paul McCarthy comes from Cork, home of Sultans of Ping FC, and for a while sported a daft goatee beard that made him look like Roy Keane's brother - but happily Paul isn't a whingeing cheating psychopathic nacker. We bought him from Brighton, where he was captain, and after an inconsistent start he is beginning to look commanding. Was not at all flattered by the picture of him on the front of the programme for the home game with Bradford, which made him look like a fat red gumby. Which he's not. list top

Jason Kavanagh came recently from Derby at a bargain prices, looks a very good player and could even rival Jason Cousins in the pretty-boy stakes. Michael Forsyth has just signed from Notts County, and I've only seen him a couple of times so I can't really say much. list top

In the middle

Dave 'Jesus' Carroll is so good that he's got a page of his own - click on his name to visit.

Keith Ryan aka 'Rhino' is a great bloke and a fine player, who has also been with us since the conference. He's a dynamic midfielder with limitless energy, which in the past led some people to compare him with a headless chicken. In fact he is a skilful player, and can also play upfront and score goals - including a piledriver at Wrexham, our first ever against Oxford, and a comedy goal at Hitchin, where pictures clearly showed their keeper hanging on to Keith's gonads as he flies past.

Unfortunately Rhino has been cruelly hit by injury. He missed most of last season after a bad knee injury sustained in a meaningless local cup match, and has missed most of this season after injuring the other knee in a poxy friendly against QPR. We need him back soon. list top

Steve Brown or 'Brownie' is another dynamic midfielder and a former Northampton captain. He wins a lot of tackles and looks good making swashbuckling runs forward, but does pick up a lot of cards. Some of these are justified, like the red one he got for the most nonchalant headbutt ever seen, but these days refs seem to be just waiting to book him for next to nothing. If he was in your side you'd love him, but his stroppiness would always be a worry and some of his passing would drive you up the wall. Bless him. list top

Dave Farrell 'Faz' is a skinny left-winger we got from Aston Villa. He has good pace and control, and when he runs at defences it really excites the crowd, but sometimes lets himself down with some indifferent crossing and a lack of cool in front of goal. He needs to eat a few more pies and build up some strength, and sorry Dave but those red boots make you look a right Gareth.

Gary Patterson aka 'Pogo' is a battling midfielder who came to us from Shrewsbury and took a while to settle in. He came back after a knock last year with longer hair, and looked so much like a man inspired that we wondered what he was on and where we could get some. However he has struggled to regain his form after another knock, and is currently on loan at Barnet. Gary is a likeable mop-topped Geordie who likes a pint and a night out but claims to be shy with girls. list top

Matt Lawrence is a utility player we bought from Grays Athletic, who has looked pretty good when I've seen him but has recently been hit by injury. We call him 'Surfer' because of his suntan and his Neighbours haircut, and my mate Wilf reckons he must be posh because he was previously studying in the USA. So, if you know whether Matt is posh or not please let me know. Matt likes to have a pop at goal, although John Gregory's policy of fining players for shooting from outside the area might put paid to that.

Brian McGorry came from Peterborough, but just couldn't get going at all in the first team and has been festering in the reserves for a while. However he did score at Swansea in the Windscreen Wipers, so perhaps a dramatic revival is on the cards. Watch this space. list top

John Cornforth has just signed from Birmingham, looked very impressive in training but got injured in his debut. We hope his nous and skill will add a lot to our midfield. Michael Simpson is on loan from Notts County and looks an excellent little player - I hope we buy him.

Up the front

Steve McGavin first came to our notice when he played for the lovely Colchester United, so he wasn't exactly our best friend and it came as a bit of a surprise when he eventually joined us after a spell at Birmingham. Amazingly he was accepted straight away by the Wycombe faithful, unlike the other Old Scummer we signed who left after a few weeks when nobody talked to him and he found nails in his Weetabix. Steve won the fans over with his skill on the ball, inventive play, and his non-stop energy which appeared to belie his lack of thinness - the only problem was he wasn't scoring goals like he used to when he played against us.

Steve's opportunities were restricted under the previous manager, who didn't know what to do with a skilful player, but as soon as John Gregory took over he was back playing more as an attacking midfielder. list top

Meguel Desouza as we're now told to spell it, also came from Birmingham and was our top scorer last season. A dashing striker with a slight resemblance to Mick Johnno off Brookie, he has great pace, superb strength on the ball, he is capable of taking defences apart on his own and he has scored some brilliant goals - most recently a rocket to win the match against Chesterfield. He's possibly a bit too single minded, and so far hasn't really clicked with a striking partner. list top

John Williams or 'Willo', is also known as the 'Flying Postman' - because he is very quick and he used to be a postman. From there he went to Swansea and Coventry, and has had some great days since coming to Wycombe but has probably suffered because he and Meguel just don't work as a strike partnership.

Neil Davis is on loan from Aston Villa, where he was banging them in for the youth team. He hasn't scored for us yet, but he does look skilful and determined - and he probably got better service in the Villa youth team. Apparently the club are hoping to buy him.

We also have two promising youth strikers - Damien Markman sports a natty hairstyle and is popular with the fans, and Anthony Clark aka 'Nobby' is nippy and skilful but only about 3 feet tall.

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