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The Adams Family
Behind the Fanzine Scene
by Jack Silverworth

First published in The Adams Family - Issue 12- January 1994

It's late Sunday night, and now that I've watched all the sport possible on SKY I feel ready to pen my first notes as secretary of The Adams Family. However I must just finish off the rest of my case of Belgium red. (5 minutes later). Ahhh that's better, I do recommend that stuff, twenty quid for ten bottles from Buttocks Up & Ready, although I do of course get a sizable discount in there. Where was I now, oh yes I was about to sample a bottle or two of Australian white (fiver a go) and scribble down my much warranted thoughts and opinions.
Did you all see the game tonight on SKY, oh sorry I forgot most of you probably didn't, as only a chosen few have the luxury of Sattelite T.V. Cracking game though, unfortunately I missed the final score as I had to get to the "offie" to stock up for tonight. Anyway, on with the show. I decided to go up to Lincoln last saturday to watch our beloved Blues take on what's-his-names' old team. As I stepped out of my front door to leave my chest tightened, hands went all clammy, legs wobbled, I broke into a feverish sweat, there it was, I was in love, my gleaming Citroen sat majestically in the drive. I rushed up to it, fell to my knees and started uncontrollably kissing every square inch of my polished beauty. You really must buy one of these fine chariots,oh my, just thinking about it makes me feel trembley, I'd better open another bottle for medicinal purposes, what's this one, American wine or something, mmm tastes good, right back to the story. Once I'd regained control of myself I climbed into the trusty Citroen. The computer told me that taking into consideration my weight, the weight of my liquid refreshments, wind speed and direction, the average number of vehicles on the road at this time of day, and the road conditions, the journey would take four hours eleven minutes and thirty eight seconds, with a fuel consumption rather similar to mine.
The game was a hard fought one but not as good as the games they show on SKY. Thingy-bob scored a hatrick for Wycombe, not bad for a new player, one of the best buys Jim Kelman ever made. But we got the three points, as I also did on my driving license whilst driving back. The auto-cruise was set too high for the local police forces' liking. That's the great thing about the Citroen it's not afraid to take risks. What a wonderful piece of french engineering, oh dear, I'm sweating again, where's that bottle of American brown wine gone, hang on that's not wine, it's whiskey, I'm halfway through my second bottle and I've only just noticed. The wife will go mad if she sees this, I'd better hide it and get a proper bottle of wine, she doesn't mind that.
Where did I get to, oh yes guess who paid me a visit yesterday, none other than the lucky tabby cat. It's the last time he'll be around though because his luck finally ran out. I shot the mongrel when he shat on my precious Citroen and the same punishment will be dished out on any other creature who dares to desecrate my pride and joy.
Anyhow I must get some sleep so I'll sign off, I've a big day ahead tomorrow talking to people about football and wine. Talking of football, have I mentioned it at all in this article, oh yes I included it whilst referring to the merits of SKY T.V. Thanks to T.A.F. for giving me this treasured space in which to ramble, I'm sure you've found it highly interesting. See you next time and may I recommend this fine bottle of white as a night cap, it's called (if I can read the label), I think it's American again as the label reads Texas D.I.Y. Meths, oh God surely not, I didn't even realise, never mind it tastes just fine, I must try some other brands and let you know my opinion.
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