Make matchdays special!

Does this look like a fine elegant swan to you? Well, that's what it's supposed to be. This is 'Bluey', the club's obligatory daft mascot which waddles round the ground before matches - sometimes accompanied by spotty youth players lobbing all the Mars bars they can stop Bluey from eating into the crowd, and people dressed up as bits of film to advertise the obligatory local cak multiplex cinema.

This provides all visiting fans with an open invitation to have a good laugh at us. Who can blame them - it's probably even more embarrassing than that stupid hornet thing at Watford. 

The idea stems from the swan being the emblem of the club and the town. However we're called the Chairboys not the Swans, those are a bunch of mad people from Wales who come and smash up your pubs and cause landlords to ban away fans. The Electric Chairboys are not at all pleased with Bluey, and we think it should go back in the river, preferably in a sack with a few bricks.

We need a mascot that reflects the town's long history of furniture making and the club's origins among furniture workers - and preferably one that looks a bit like what it's supposed to be. So, what about CHARLIE THE CHAIR? Charlie would fit in with the club's traditions, and if we were very clever we could put him on wheels so the poor sod inside doesn't get so knackered. Or perhaps he could be remote controlled.... 

Give us a song

Most teams run onto the pitch to a bit of music these days, unfortunately it's usually some dross like Tina Turner or Queen or that godawful boxing song. Some, like Wolves with their Liquidator, actually have a decent and uplifting song. 

So why haven't we got one? Admittedly silence is better than a lot of stuff that's popular in footy circles, and if it was left to the players we'd end up with M People or Guns and Roses. So here are our suggestions:

• The Dambusters theme is an old fave, it's sort of 'rousing' and we can all sing that line about 'we all f****** hate Slough' along to it.
• Talking about themes, how about The Archers? Nice and jaunty, and might bring a smile to people's faces - although my mate Wilf reckons visitors would see us as tractor drivers.
• Anything by Elvis would be OK - maybe a real rouser like It's Now or Never or Battle Hymn of the Republic?
• A nice Gregorian Chant?
• Or the Ramones - just imagine 5000 Blues fans chanting 'Gabba Gabba Hey' at the tops of their voices...
• And if we're entertaining special guests like Oxford or Colchester, perhaps we could use that highly endearing Nick Cave song Scum.
• And finally - we first started discussing this just before the previous 'manager' left, and our clear favourite was She's Lost Control by Joy Division. It was perfect at the time, the music echoed our mood and the lyrics described the way we were playing.