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Poxford United

The town of Poxford, just up the road from Wycombe, is famous for having lots and lots of colleges in it - hence about 90% of its population is made up of deeply annoying hooray henries and very rich foreign people. Most of the remaining 10% tend to be inbred cider-swilling car-stealing halfwits who follow the loathsome Poxford United. Its only saving grace is the few Wycombe fans who live there and have to put up with the scumbags every day of the week.

The Spanner Ground

Poxford United have not had an illustrious history, and the only noteworthy players to grace their shambolic Spanner Ground have been 'Fat Reg' Tomkinson, who is famous for talking nonsense and once managed a much-loathed bunch of poseurs up North, and Buzz Aldrin the evergreen alcoholic scouse striker.

They once managed a brief stay in the top flight, thanks to huge sums of money from evil chairman and local mobster Ralph Nescafe. This repulsive obese crook stole money from his downtrodden employees to fund the team, but eventually met his downfall and nowadays is despised everywhere in the world - apart from the remote Pacific island of T'nakatui where he is revered as a god. When he realised his game was up, Nescafe jumped from his private jet and fell straight into the crater of a large volcano - preventing its imminent eruption and saving the islanders from a terrible fate.

Paul GrumpyStar striker Paul Grumpy

These days such giddy heights are unimaginable for the poor old Poxford fans - the Spanner Ground is falling apart around their sorry heads and their 'star' striker is an ugly gangling oaf with two left feet called Paul Grumpy. How they grimaced when they found themselves in the same division as us, and how they rubbed their hands at the prospect of putting the league's newest team in their place. Sadly for them it didn't quite work out, as we beat them 2-0 on our first visit to the Spanner, beat them again back at our place, then went back to the Spanner and gave them one hell of a 4-1 tonking.

However there is currently an air of unfounded optimism among Pox fans - last season a cock-up on the League computer accidentally promoted them to the First Division, and for some reason they seem to think they might stay there. They are also building a new ground at Minge Farm, but unfortunately it's on top of an old sewage farm - so not only will it be the smelliest ground in the league (appropriate), it will probably collapse within a couple of years as well. When Bristol Rovers were near a smelly gasworks they were known as 'The Gas', so when Poxford move here an appropriate nickname should be forthcoming...

The new Minge Farm ground

The Poxford fans' tendency for self-delusion is typified by Ned 'nobody likes me' Norton. This unpleasant greasy creep is a public schoolboy who went to a posh college in Poxford, but likes to think of himself as a working class hero and a bit of a 'football writer'. According to Norton, anyone who earns more than him is a middle class git who shouldn't be sullying the Great Working Class Game with their presence - ever heard of projection Ned? Unfortunately he gets six shillings a week for scaring birds off the sewage farm site, so if he was to stick to his values he should despise all his fellow Poxford fans - which would be appropriate as none of them can stand him either.